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Random Thoughts

March 4, 2013

This was written February 27th:

Sometimes I feel like I can’t be present in my real life. I’ve always related to Charlie’s character in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Just the part about not being able to participate and wanting everyone else to be happy even at the cost of my own.

I’ll lay in bed at night and replay every major event of my life and the people who have come and gone. I was never enough for them because they all left. Or maybe they were just shitty people who didn’t care about using me.

It’s like when you hear a song and it brings back every memory you’ve ever had when you were younger and listening to it. Or when you hear Hootie and the Blowfish and you remember how you used to love that one song but now you’re an adult and it’s depressing. Some of that hits me sometimes and I’m immediately saddened by it. I’m 27. What am I even doing with my life. I know I’m not in the place I wanted to be when I was 18 and leaving home for the first time and had so many big dreams.

My thoughts cripple me at times.

I can’t hear the song Shimmer anymore without my heart hurting and ugly crying. I remember back when I was 20 and Andrea and I would listen to it in her car and we thought it was so beautiful and the lyrics, man. The lyrics. And now I know what the song is really about. And I feel like well, shit. That’s my life now.

I shouldn’t feel so old. I shouldn’t feel like my life is just over. Like I have nothing to look forward to other than soccer games and PTA meetings and that’s it. Chase asked me not to go to grad school last night. That hurt me so much. I don’t know why. He can’t influence me one way or another. My goal has been to get my masters degree and that’s what I’m doing. I just want to feel like I have someone who will support me in my goals and passions and it’s not happening on this issue.

*That’s where I stopped. I started to cry too hard to be able to finish what I was writing. I don’t even remember where I was going with it…

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One Comment
  1. cullmancityslingers permalink

    I know exactly how you feel.

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